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30 Rookie Lesbian Dating Mistakes We Made Before 30 | GO Magazine

I’ll most likely never your investment first standard lesbian blunder I ever produced. I became puffing on a smoke outside a lesbian nightclub, searching all bleary-eyed and angst-ridden when an adult dyke, probably about fifteen years my personal elderly, came sauntering on up to me personally.

“What’s her name?” She questioned me personally, leaning against the graffitied cement wall, taking a less heavy regarding her back wallet like some form of 1940s swashbuckler.


“Oh, honey.” The puzzle lesbian said. “It really is obvious you’re disappointed about a female.” She seemed me very long and hard inside vision and significantly elevated her bushy left brow. “I’m sure that expression.”

I stamped aside my tobacco cigarette. “It’s that apparent?” I squeaked.

She lit the woman smoking and sucked back once again a remarkable pull of smoking. “Yes.”

I sighed. “Good. Nothing of my friends will keep in touch with me because we drunkenly connected with one of their unique exes.” We gazed into my personal filthy Converse shoes questioning the hell they had gotten therefore dirty.

Had we blacked and gone hiking?

a sluggish smile extended it self throughout the secret lesbian’s weathered-looking face. “Rookie mistake.”

“I do not see what the major package is actually! They’ve been separated for just two f*cking many years!” I virtually spat.

“Have a look, kiddo. You should not shit where you eat.” And simply like this, she ended up being gone. I could notice her chuckling to by herself as she happily waddled back into the club, leaving us to stew inside the nervous sweats of my personal “rookie blunder.”

That might have been 1st rookie blunder I made if it involved the mystical underworld of lesbian love and sex, but let me guarantee you, it certainly was not the final. I am not sure about yourself queers, it required quite a while in order to comprehend the complex principles associated with ever-complicated girl-on-girl internet dating world.

Here are 30 rookie errors we made, that At long last quit creating by the point I hit 30 and became the seasoned lesbian I am these days. (Though I *might* experience the periodic slip-up, but shh).

Oh, and baby gays, please learn from my errors. I throw me underneath the bus and come up with myself an un-dateable, red-flag-waving lesbian to help you have a much better relationship life than I ever before performed.

1. Catching feelings for a female with a boyfriend.

This just causes a smashed heart, a life-long distaste for several heterosexual-man-kind, and epic disappointment. We made this mistake in high-school and that I’m certain it screwed me personally right up forever.

PSA: Ladies, women, females. Never be seduced by a lady with a boyfriend. You’ll get yourself into all kinds of difficulty. About wait until once they break-up and she’s sure she really wants to carry out more than just “practice kissing” along with you.

2. Hooking-up with a pal’s ex.

The older lesbians pal that chuckled at me throughout that life-changing night within club was right. “never shit the place you consume, kiddo.”

Severely, “kiddo,” you shouldn’t get it done. I know it feels like there are only ten attractive lesbians in your area and nine of those have dated one of the friends, but often get the one lesbian havingn’t, or go out outside the town.

Hell hath no fury like a lesbian scorned by certainly one of the woman Sapphic pals. That grudge can last an eternity.

3. connecting with a buddy of a buddy’s ex.

I really don’t care and attention when the woman you prefer is actually a buddy of a pal of a friend of a friend of a buddy. If she actually is by any means tethered to a dyke you care about, stay far, distant.

Our company is a fierce lesbian group. Upset certainly one of all of us, upset everyone of us, baby.

(i understand, I know. It sucks. This is the reason I prefer to date long-distance; there is not local baggage to stress over.)

4. Trusting a f*ckboi.

If she appears like a Shane, talks like a Shane, and walks like a Shane, chances are high she is a Shane.

5. making the assumption that because she’s a girl, it is impossible on her becoming a f*ckboi


I really don’t proper care if she actually is a butch, a femme, a stem, a stud, a lip stick lesbian, a mascara lesbian or a chapstick lesbian—just because she is a self-identified woman does not mean she can not be a f*ckboi. F*ckbois appear in all forms, sizes, and styles.

6. connecting with a bartender of the best bar.

It’s going to falter acquire embarrassing while, my nice darling, never will be in a position to enter your preferred club again, without the need to A) pop music a Xanax (which is a dreadful concept if you should be drinking) or B) take three tequila shots (and that’s a terrible idea typically).

7. U-Hauling.

We guaranteed me i’d not be the lesbian exactly who u-hauled until I became the lesbian which u-hauled. Now I am the lesbian who has formally never lasted a lease.

8. Signing leases against my much better wisdom.

Speaking of leases, the number of times I’ve dutifully signed that godforsaken dotted line whenever my personal instincts were shouting “Don’t do it! This bitch is insane!” is actually unpleasant, to put it mildly.

9. Putting on my gf’s leggings.

“Are you dressed in my leggings?!” My personal gf mouthed in my opinion after participating later part of the to a yoga course. I became in downhill puppy attempting to focus myself. “What’s the issue?” I mouthed back.

“we can not discuss leggings! It’s unsexy!” She mentioned aloud, startling the Republican lady resting in kid’s present to the woman remaining.

In all honesty, she is appropriate. Discussing leggings will be the portal medication to peeing using doorway open. Therefore understand, any time you pee utilizing the home available facing your sweetheart, a lesbian angel will lose her wings.

10. Putting on my sweetheart’s jeans (without asking).

When you begin getting back in problems for putting on your own girlfriend’s $300 developer denim jeans without asking, you’re approaching cousin status. Your girl will scream at you like you’re their irritating little sibling just who takes most of the woman great shit. Just in case


god forbid


one happens to appear a lot better than she does inside her trousers, really, pretty soon she’s going to start planning on you as this lady annoying little sis just who steals each one of the woman great shit. There is nothing sensuous regarding the girlfriend associating you with her younger sibling.

It is a surefire solution to not have sex once again.

11. Using my personal girl’s toothbrush.

When you start sharing a toothbrush, you lose your identification completely. Before you know it you’ll become some of those weird lesbian couples which have morphed in to the same individual. Protect your own individuality, and rehearse your very own brush, kindly and thank you so much.

12. Flirting with my ex-girlfriend’s buddies.

It’s a cheap adventure, but trust in me. Its awful karma.

13. advising my personal sweetheart that the woman friend was flirting beside me.

Should your girl’s friend is actually subtly flirting along with you, simply pretend she is becoming extremely friendly and never, actually ever drunkenly inform your gf.

Until you desire to be at middle of this lesbian drama, which. Which, yes, are enjoyable for 5 minutes, but easily turns out to be, uh, terrifying…

14. Switching my girl’s design.

If you tell your sweetheart she seems sexier in blazers than she does in panel shorts, she will resent you for the remainder of your own commitment.

Only keep mouth closed and accept your own girl for board-short-sporting lesbian that this woman is, otherwise find a geniune blazer-wearing gf. Because bear in mind: you cannot turn panel short pants into a blazer, no matter what difficult you decide to try.

(you could, for record, switch a homemaker into a ho).

15. creating articles about becoming a crazy girlfriend on the web.

Not merely have actually I authored articles detailing what an insane bitch i will be, but I’ve been pissed-off whenever girls I’m freshly dating assume I’m a crazy bitch. “Well, didn’t you write about it on the web?” They’re going to ask.



. Touch



16. Pretending to understand what lesbian intercourse was when I had no idea.

“Without a doubt I know what lesbian sex is actually. It’s when um, you know. Like, whenever a lady will get above a girl…”

17. Pretending we understood ideas on how to scissor while I didn’t come with idea.

“I love scissoring!” We yelped at get older 16 when I thought scissoring meant undertaking crafts and arts with each other.

18. splitting up with my girlfriend once we happened to be both on all of our periods.

Cannot make sudden decisions when you are both bleeding.

19. becoming wildly envious and possessive toward my personal girl whenever another makeup lesbian/femme kind inserted the space.

In case your girlfriend could flirt, she is going to flirt. Acting like a deranged, hyper-jealous head case is not probably end any individual from carrying out such a thing. In fact, it’s going to just exacerbate the woman desire.

20. Flirting with female police, TSA representatives, safety guards, as well as other ladies in consistent because we thought these people were homosexual.

I lust after a woman in an uniform, but sadly not absolutely all ladies in uniforms crave after myself.


Everyone loves those extended, pointy Lana Del Rey nails. But my personal ex-girlfriend didn’t appreciate them once I attempted penetration with those brutal talons.

Oh, the sacrifices you trend lezzies must make for intercourse! fortunately orgasms feel much better than acrylic fingernails taste.

22. Faking an orgasm.

You may be capable fake sexual climaxes with guys, but you cannot fool your personal gender, honey. Discovered that one the hard means.

23. unsafe sex, because, you realize, “lesbians can not get STIs.”

I am surprised I managed to make it regarding my personal slutty stage (I say “slut” in an empowered means! Don’t get worried!) without getting every STI in the sunshine.

I didn’t even comprehend just what a dental dam had been once I was 21. I thought it was one thing they stuck within lips within dental practitioner. And I also detest the dental expert.

24. Playing into the “helpless femme” stereotype.

Because society associates femininity with weakness does not mean i need to have fun with the role. Screw that. I put on heaps of makeup, look great in pale red, and may save myself from whichever disaster.

25. Falling in love while lost at lesbian functions.

“Owen, I’m in love” we once slurred to my personal companion in the now-defunct Williamsburg gay bar “Sugarland.” Another day I woke using my cardiovascular system beating and my personal mouth area as dried out since the Sahara wasteland.

I became abruptly flooded with awkward thoughts of pronouncing my personal like to a lady whose title or face i possibly could maybe not remember. For the next year, I stayed in incessant concern with working into this woman once again.


26. Calling my girl my ex-girlfriend’s title.

Though I did discover a great way to step out of this. Should you decide name the sweetheart your own ex-girlfriend’s title, merely repeat the annotated following:

“Oh babe, i am extremely sorry. I labeled as you the woman name because I associate her with stress and I’m stressed today! You won’t ever worry me personally away, which is the reason why it feels foreign to state your own beautiful name once I believe pressured.” Works wonders.

“just a lesbian could consider that,” my good friend Kevin said to me personally as I told him the way I got out-of phoning my personal girlfriend unsuitable title. He’s not incorrect.

27. planning I had a “type.”

We used to think that We appreciated ladies with short-hair have been taller than me personally. Now we realize I do not discriminate.

Butch, femme, stem, high, quick


I like all types of lesbians (once the French would say,


). Purr.

28. Playing difficult to get.

I familiar with believe easily blew off a night out together or failed to text your ex I lusted over straight back, she’d like me more. However noticed that that online game fails with women (at the very least maybe not confident, mentally-stable ladies). It tends to make the girl genuinely believe that you are a manipulative little twerp, and she does not have time for that, okay?

29. Slipping up and informing a female regarding first Tinder time I had already viewed her Instagram.

“Oh, yeah, the pet, Fred! He’s soooo cute.”

“how can you understand You will find a cat named Fred?”

Crickets. Crickets. And a lot more crickets.

30. Considering the first woman we previously dated was the passion for living which would we never ever get over this lady.

The very first lesbian cut is the deepest, but we guarantee you, my heartbroken baby lesbians, you’re not supposed to have 1st woman you date. Indeed, do not get one girl you date. Your feelings are way too from whack, the limits are too high. Plus, to be able to know very well what you truly fancy, you need to get within and time as many various girls as you possibly can.

So dry those rips, hottie. You will get over her. We big-sister-lesbian promise.